What Can I Say
by Runs with Werewolfs
Summary: "it's like trying to spin the world the other way. what can i say" James needs closure to move on, so he writes Kendall a letter. Former Kames, Jagan. Kendall's a little- jerkish. might write a second chapter.


**What Can I Say

* * *

**

_Dear Kendall,_

_Yeah. We broke up. It was messy. I ran away. Doesn't change the way I feel about you, does it? You'll always be my Kendall, my first love, my first time, my first kiss, my first- my first everything. You're everything I ever wanted. It's funny how things change. It's been six months Kendall, when are you going to move on? But I have something to get off my chest._

_There's so much I've never told you. Before I realized how much I loved you, my favorite color was purple, because it's a royal color. But then I figured out that I loved you and realized your eyes were green and green was just such a pretty color and that it should be my favorite color. Before I realized how much you loved me, I thought I was worthless and that the only thing I could do to gain worth was be as much of a diva as I could. But you taught me that I was worth more than I thought and that I deserved love. I never thanked you for that._

_You're amazing, Kendall. The thing I miss the most in this world is how I felt with you. In your arms, I felt like nothing could ever stop me. And that felt- well, it felt good. I miss the way our fingers fit together perfectly, like two missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Do your fingers fit with Jo's like that? I bet they don't, because nothing could compare to me. You told me that before I left after seeing you with Jo. Why did you do it? When did I become not good enough, not enough, period? I loved you with everything I had, Kendall Knight, and you tore my heart to pieces. Was I just a game, something to play? Or did you actually love me once? Is Jo that much better? I guess you wouldn't know, I saw her last week at Gustavo's house, she's dating Carlos now._

_I know I sound really bitter, but truth be told, I'm not. I've been seeing Logan, you remember, the guy whose heart you ripped in two when you chose me over him? He's over you, Kendall. Logan could care less about you. I left six months ago, and I've been seeing him for three. He moved in last week. He's doing well, Kendall, and you wouldn't believe how grown up he is now, since Big Time Rush disbanded after you hurt him. You really broke him apart, Carlos says that Logan cried himself to sleep for two months after what you said to him. What did you say to him? And if it was mean, shame on you, you know Logan is- well, he's pretty tender and sensitive, like a girl._

_I'm probably just protective because while I love you- and I do- I'm pretty sure Logan's the one. Part of me doesn't want to believe you hurt him, but at the same time- you have a tendency to put your foot in your mouth, with the way you sometimes act on instinct and just do things. Like that one time you went behind Gustavo's back and recorded a song for me even after he'd said no, remember? You wanted to ask me out all in a romantic way and Gustavo nearly skinned you alive. In Gustavo's defense, you did spill coffee all over his new soundboard._

_But this isn't about what you did to Logan, because Logan does get hurt easily (I find it endearing) and you tend to be a pain in the rear end at times, all stubborn and you have this way with words, where you don't use them the right way. Like the first time you were dating Jo and you told her you don't wanna date a hot girl, you wanna date her. Smooth move, bright one, girls love hearing that._

_This about how I feel, because I can't move forward in my relationship with Logan until I get all this off my chest and let you know how I feel. This is the fifth letter I've written. I know you're probably thinking, well, this is the first time I've heard this. But there's a simple explanation: I chucked the other letters. They weren't good enough. They didn't tell you what I needed to tell you. I called you some really harsh names in one of them, that was right after Carlos told me you hurt Logan._

_I've been trying for six months to tell you how I feel, because I really feel like you never knew how I felt. I felt like, that last month of the relationship, you really didn't even care how I felt. I really did love you, you know. I can't tell you how many times I have sat and stared at your name on my phone, trying to muster up enough courage to call you and tell you all this crap. I can't tell you how many times I've typed in the text "we need to talk" only to freak out and delete it._

_I talked to Katie on the phone the other day, and she said that you were on weed that last month. I lived with you, how did you hide that? She said you had been in rehab and were trying to stay off it, because apparently Camille flipped out on you after I told her that you hurt me. Seriously, drugs make sense though, because the man that I had a fist- fight with on the day I left- that wasn't you man. That was you during your weird "gangsta" phase when we were 12 and your dad had just died so you thought you needed to be all badass._

_I'm not good with words, and I've written a lot. So I'm just going to give you a list:_

1. _That last month, when we were going to crash and burn and even Guitar Dude knew it? Yeah, I felt like your doormat. I felt like nothing I said or did mattered to you. I felt useless again, worthless again. _

2. _I love you, Kendall. I don't love you like that anymore, but you were my best friend since we were four- I'm twenty-five, Kendall, you were my best friend for twenty years. Old habits die hard, I guess._

3. _I'm not sorry that it's over, but I'm sorry I broke your nose and nearly ran over you when I sped out of the Palm Woods parking lot._

4. _I've always regretted how you and I ended things with Logan, and how we pulled Carlos into the middle. I wish you had been honest with me about that, but I probably would have left earlier if you had been honest._

5. _I think about you all the time._

6. _The last time I saw you, a month after the break up, when I came to get all my stuff- when I left, I didn't miss the fact you were crying. Or that you had been crying a lot in that month. And when I got to my car, I sat there and cried too until Bitters' came and chased me out of the parking lot. And then I parked in front of Rocque Records and cried some more. _

7. _Except for that last month, I don't regret a single day I spent with you, besides the one where you broke Logan's heart. You were a good boyfriend, Kendall, and if you can just stay faithful, you'll make somebody really happy one day. That person just wasn't me._

8. _I hate that all you have left of our friendship is memories. _

9. _I really want to be friends still._

10. _Believe it or not, Logan does too._

11. _Carlos hates you. Yeah, I'm shocked too; I didn't know he was capable of hatred. But we both know how passionate he is. He'll cool down though, but just steer clear of him for a while._

12. _It's my fault too. I was selfish and didn't let myself get into the relationship in the last couple months like I should have._

13. _You're always in my heart_

_I love you, Kendall, but you're not who I am meant to be with. I want to be friends with you but only after you're ready to be. I'm still here, I'm still James. I' m always here if you need a friend but nothing more. We need to be friends, we can't let twenty years go away. It's like trying to spin the world the other way. What Can I Say?_

_Forever and Always,_

**_James Diamond_**

_

* * *

_

James walked back into the apartment, biting his lip. Logan looked up from his book. "Are you okay?" the smaller man asked, marking his page and putting his book on the coffee table, patting the seat next to him, letting James know he could come sit there.

James sat down next to him. "I'm fine. I just don't know how my feeling are going to come across to Kendall when he reads it. I don't want to hurt him, I really don't, but he needs to know how bad he hurt me. How bad he hurt you"

Logan smiled. "Kendall made a mistake, or 2 . But we still care about. Excpet for Carlos, but that's only because Carlos didn't like tripping over me when I cried myself to sleep and ended up on the kitchen floor."

James shrugged. "I know. I don't know if he was even aware of his mistakes though"

Logan smiled as James's arm wrapped around his shoulder. He snuggled into James and put his head on James's shoulder. "Probably not, he's Kendall. He once went all day with brown paint on his ass and when everyone tried telling him, he just said they were wrong. He's hard headed and stubborn as hell, and we both know he can lack tact at times, but his heart is always in the right place. The person who beat the snot out of you in the fight you had, that was his brain being messed with by the drugs. What was he even thinking?"

"I don't think he was." James admitted. "He liked to party, and he probably tried it at a party and got addicted. Addictions aren't fun"

"Says the orange dude"

"One time! One time!" James protested.

Logan smiled. "You were bright orange, James. I thought it was cute though. Strange- but cute. Just like you in general."

"You think I'm cute" James asked.

Logan looked up at him. "Of course I do, love."

James sighed. "What did you and Kendall fight about, that day?"

Logan sighed. "I told him that you two weren't right for each other and he told me that I could just stay the hell out of his relationships and get the fuck out if I didn't like it. So I was going to hit him, but we both know I'm a wimp, and then he may have hit me. It was stupid mostly, jealousy and hormones. I mean, we were 21, and stupid"

"I wish I hadn't gone 3 years without talking to you, Logan. You're the best thing in my life"

Logan smiled. "I am?"

"The very best in the world. I wish I could really tell you just how much you mean to me."

"You tell me everyday, Jamie. I don't doubt you love me."

"I wish I had figured out sooner. All three of our hearts could have been spared if I had seen what was right in front of me. " James admitted. He rested his head on Logan's. "I told Kendall how he made me feel safe and how perfect our fingers fit. But truth be told, you make me feel 10x safer than Kendall does, and our fingers fit better, and you're a better height for me, and I don't feel like such a girl with you."

"you don't make me feel like a girl"

"Kendall always made me feel like I was weaker. He always had to lead. I like that we switch. Sometimes you're a leader and sometimes I am. Sometimes, I like being lead and sometimes I wanna take charge."

Logan smiled. "Kendall will find someone who is perfect for him one day"

"and he'll make that person very happy. She or he will be proud to point him out and say "See him? He's my husband." James said. "That person just wasn't me and I hope he understand that. But if he doesn't- what else can I say?"

Logan sighed. "Hopefully you never have to figure that out"

* * *

A/N: KAMES FANS PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I don't really have much to say about this one except that Zayna beta'd the letter, and I don't hate Kendall, if you haven't read me before, I love Kendall. Kendall Knight irks me a bit but I LOVE Kendall, really. He's frieken adorable. I just- someone had to be a bad guy, okay, and I really couldn't imagine Logan being an asshole to James or Kendall or Carlos, and I couldn't imagine Carlos being a jerk either! Kendall can be a little- stupid at times…let's face it…and I didin't do an OC because I'm not feeling creative tonight

inspiration was drawn from Carrie Underwood and Sons of Sylvia's song What Can I Say

Okay, please go review, please please please

And uh…

Who likes dogs?

Okay, I'm going to go pass out and you are gonna review so…in honor of the boys location as of right now…Auf Wiedersehen.


End file.
